The Void

 I’m not blind. But sometimes it feels like it.

The world is very dim. No real light sources, not even walls. All I see is a foggy blue line where I suppose the horizon would be. It’s hard to keep walking when you don’t know where you are. Hard to enjoy living among the dreariness. Hard to even know who you are.

Maybe that’s why I talk to myself. Ongoing conversations without a real point. Just people talking.

“Well, madam, I hate to inform you, but that’s just not how things work around here.”

“And I don’t happen to agree! You… you should be taking accountability for your false advertising!”

“We didn’t falsely advertise anything at all. You were the one who falsely read the sign!”

No no no. Too much yelling. I don’t even know what these characters are talking about. I guess I could come up with something. Maybe “real crystals!” They’re false because it’s like, made of candy or salt crystals, not carbon based diamonds…

I look up from my feet and thoughts to see a dark ominous figure. Looking closer, it shares the face of a woman I used to know. I don’t remember her name. She was blond? I think? She stands on a pedestal, glaring down at me with disapproving eyes.

“I don’t like your attitude, young woman. Stop your back-talking!”

Wincing, I try to look away. But the statue wasn’t speaking. That was me. Well, my thoughts. Wasn’t even a real memory either. I had heard about her complaints days after when my parents asked what got me in trouble.

It was Girl’s Camp. An every-year one week adventure into the woods to learn about God and life and nature and friendship and fun. Well, supposedly fun and friendship. I didn’t really get that memo. I got bullied every year. Anyway, I had permission to bring a disconnected phone to use as a camera. But when I took it out to take photos, I got in trouble. Apparently, my attempt to politely explain that I had permission was “backtalking.” Still stings.

Sitting at that statue makes my head hurt. And my heart. I shuffle away in any other random direction. My world is full of these guys. Hundreds of statues of different people, different moments. All angry, hurtful, and sad. Sometimes I just sit there and cry, remembering all the other statues in my world, feeling paralyzed. I never want to see another statue again.

Walking isn’t a happy alternative, but it’s better than sitting and crying. Or screaming. That one gets old fast.

A wisp flies past me and glitters into the distance. For just a moment that tiny light filled me with joy. But then it was gone.

I forget they exist in here. They’re pretty hard to notice, even harder to catch. Think Golden Snitch speed, but even smaller and a little… amorphous.

Today, I need one. Just one. Just a little bit of warmth and light to get me through the day.

Running in the direction it disappeared to, I see little glimpses of it again. I leap forward, touching it with my fingertips, and face-plant. It was gone.

I start to cry. Won’t even get up. Just cry. Every good thing in my life, always so fleeting. Every adventure into the darkness, another failed attempt. When the scary statues are all that stays still, why even keep going?

A voice echoes out of the silence. A real voice. The things it’s saying don’t really make sense to me. But they’re kind. And warm.

And real.

I didn’t get real voices in this space anymore. Not really sure when “this space” started to exist, to be fair. But I’m always alone in it. So this is strange. But it feels so nice.

My knees push up under me. My hands taking in the cold stoney floor. I take a deep breath, and look up towards the wisp, now floating still. Quietly, slowly, I grasp it in my hands, and hold it to my heart. It’s soft, and malleable. Like a bit of putty in my hands.

I sat on the floor, and for a few moments, maybe a few hours, I rolled it around in my hands and fed it all the love I had for those moments.

Soon, the wisp no longer looks amorphous, it’s a beautiful flower. Glittering red tips over a violet petal, with golden pollen shining over the blood red lines leading to the center. Green leaves peeking out from the velvety sides. It’s so soft and beautiful, it’s hard to believe it was nothing but a light in the void.

And with that, my adventure in the void is over. For a while.